I thought that my heater had stopped working.And I was going to go to Wal Mart to get another one.But,today when I went to plug in my camera charger in the extension cord.I saw that the light didn’t come on.So I thought I’ll just plug it up better in the wall.I did then I thought maybe that’s what was wrong with the heater so I plugged it in and it came on.I still kind of want to go to Wal Mart.What’s wrong with getting out.
Hernandez just came by and I’m on my period :/.I heard a knock at the door and I just assumed it wasn’t him.I was feeling bad and I was just laying down.As usual I looked outside to see if it was him.And I was surprised to see his car.I went downstairs then I looked out the peep hole and told her that it was him.I opened the door and I was so excited to see him that when he hugged me I wanted to rip my clothes off.He was caressing me and I was starting to fantasize about him fucking me then I thought wait a minute I’m on my period.He started to rub on my ass then and I said ‘Wait a minute we can’t do this.’And he said Why?’And pulled me back to him and I said ‘I’m on my period.’He had to check and see and felt my pussy and yelled “Fuck!”Obviously we couldn’t.
I told him that I missed him and why haven’t I seen him.And when I refused to suck his dick and said no,why haven’t I seen you.’He started picking at me.Saying the same shit that he was saying before about we’re just friends we could be with who ever we won’t to be with.And I was like I didn’t say anything about that.Then he said why was I questioning him.I said ‘I lost my virginity to you the least you can do is be nice to me.’And he said You saying you own me.Nobody owns me.’And I said ‘What?!I didn’t say anything like that.’Then he just keep saying you don’t own me.And I slapped him.A real slap not a play one.Hard across the face.I slapped him for everything he has ever done to me.I tried to hurt him like he has hurt me.
He just stood there not saying anything.I was proud of myself and I tried not to smile.I took off his hat ran my fingers through his hair and said ‘you’re not going to talk to me that way again.He pulled that hat out of my hands and said ‘You’ve messed up now.’I thought what?what are you talking about.’Because I was playing with his hair and I thought I just slapped you and you’re talking about me messing up your hair.I must not have slapped you hard enough.As I was thinking this he said ‘you hit me.I’m never coming back over here again.’He started to walk out the door and I pulled him back and said ‘what about what you do to me?’And he said he hasn’t done anything to me.I said ‘I told you before if you hurt me.I will hurt you’.
After I grabbed him pushed him to the couch and started talking his pants aloose and said ‘Is this what you want?’And he said ‘Yeah it’s why I came here.’
I opened the box on the side of the couch and got the bj condom out.And he was telling me that he didn’t want a condom on for that.But,I put it on anyway.I suck his dick better when he has a condom on.I sucked it fast on hard like he likes it.He didn’t complain about anything other than the fact that the condom was on.I tried to put his dick as deep into my mouth as I could but,every time I did that he would grab my head and try to shove his dick deeper down my throat.I got tired of being on my knees and actually had to get a pillow.I felt kind of embarrassed about getting the pillow but,I had to.
After a while he took the condom off and I told him that I didn’t want to get his diseases.And then he started again at me (I guess he wanted to get slapped again) about we could be with who we want to be with and I said what does that have to do with diseases.And then he said he hasn’t been with anyone else.I sucked his dick some without a condom.I had to turn the heater on because I was cold.
I was telling him that my breast or too big.And he said he likes them big.Then he said your breast or down here I want them to be up here.And held them up.I just thought it was funny.If he said something like just all of a sudden said your breast sag.Then I would have been insulted.He then asked me how old am I now and I said ‘my breast have been the same since I was a teenager.’Thinking he was trying to see if that’s why my breast sag.Then he said no,I’m saying how old are you now?’I told him ‘I haven’t had a birthday since you saw me last.’Then he said your birthday was last summer and I said yes.Then he asked me again how old am I.I had to think about it.And I pretended to think for a very long time.Then I said 26.He continued massaging my breast and said.I like your small nipples.
Before I sucked his dick without a condom when I was telling him about his diseases I asked him did he want to eat my pussy.I wanted to say do you want to eat my bloody pussy but,I think that went without saying.He said no.Then I said well,ok then.’Implying that he isn’t going to eat my pussy because he knew it was dirty just like I know his dick is dirty.
While I was sucking his dick without the condom he took my titties and wrapped it around his dick an fuck my titties.It actually hurt my chest while he was fucking my titties.I thought ‘Of course it hurts with him doing it.he can’t do anything right.’.
I stopped in the middle of it just because I couldn’t take it anymore.Him repeatedly pushing my head down on his dick.Acting like I didn’t have any feeling.It’s too bad I didn’t throw up on his dick.He’s like an animal and not in the good way.I told him that I was stopping because that was his punishment for not coming by.But,that didn’t stop the abuse oh no.He demanded that I let him come on my face.He pushed me down on my knees and I sat on the couch so he could come on my tits or something.No,he made me lay down while he jacked off.And got mad when I was refusing.When he came he said ok I’m ready told my head and proceeded to try to put his coming dick in my mouth.With his nasty tasting come.I knew that he couldn’t control it whether I had my mouth opened or not so I just let it run down my mouth and chin.Then I sucked his dick some after he finished.He said ‘Now,that wasn’t so hard was it.’And I said ‘Yes,it was.’
After we cleaned up.We talked a little.I tried to get convince him to just lay on top of me.It would have been a cheap thrill for me since that was all that I could get.He showed me that he had a new phone.I opened it and there was a picture of him.I told him that it was a nice picture of him.And he showed me some more pictures of himself.And he showed me a picture of his little brother holding a little girl who I assume was his daughter but,he didn’t mention her.She looks ok.
But,then he disrespected me and showed me a picture of a woman and said this is your competition.That’s my girlfriend when you or not around.I thought it was rude of him to say that to me.But,as for as getting upset about him possibly being with someone else I wasn’t.He then showed me another picture of his self and I said it looked ugly.Then asked him for his watch.I tried to take it off and he told me not to pull it because I was pulling the latch.He took it off and gave it to me.I said I’m thirsty and tried to get up and go to the kitchen.He grabbed me and pulled me into his lap and told me to stay right there with him.I tried to get up again and he said don’t do anything to my watch.I responded ‘I’m thirsty!’And got out of his lap put his watch on and put it under running water for a ridiculously long time.Immature maybe but,at least I didn’t do what I wanted to do which was snatch the phone out of his hand and throw it across the room as hard as I could.The only reason that I didn’t was that he was over me on the couch.I had my legs spread and he was sitting facing me at the time.So it I did that he could have hit me all he wanted to and I would have been defenseless pretty much.
He tried to show me a picture of his dog and was like ‘that’s my dog isn’t it a cute little dog.’I could give two shits about the dog and I didn’t feel like being nice I said ‘I don’t know.I don’t like dogs.’
He came in the kitchen because I was so long in there.And he had started playing music while we was in the living room and was coming in the kitchen.As I knew he would.I walked out the kitchen and asked him what was he doing then walked back in the kitchen.Just letting him know that it was okay for him to come in the kitchen.I turned the water back on and continued what I was doing (because I’m a bold bitch) and he asked me was I trying to mess his watch up by putting it underwater.And I said ‘no,I’m just washing my hands.’Then I got the soap and washed my hands as if nothing was going on.
We talked some and I tried to kiss him and I put my hands around his neck.He screamed and said ‘Your hands are cold.That’s some cold water.It’s like you put ice on them.’We talked a little more and I told him how I missed him.And I told him that he used to be so nice to me,what happened?And he said that I keep asking him all these question and he told me that he doesn’t like to be asked question.’He said ‘you said it would be better if we didn’t talk and just did our thing.Don’t you remember saying that?’And I said yes,I do.’Then he said but you keep asking me questions.And I said I don’t ask you questions I barely even talk to you.Think about it when have I asked you questions?’And he said that he’s sorry he misunderstood.And keep saying he was sorry.It was too little and too late for me.I don’t forgive him.He has done too much.
He said let’s just start over from the beginning hi my name is Paco.’Paco?Well latin people do have a lot of names.I said no we can’t start over.Then I said just because I was horny ‘fuck me.’Then he said how can you fuck me you just met me.And I said ‘I have sex with strangers.’And he said ‘oh.’He seemed like he was remembering that that’s how we first met.It was basically hi let’s fuck.
Leann Rimes How do I live without you came on while we were talking and I couldn’t help but,to sang along.’If I had to live without you what kind of life would that be.’Then he said you know that song And I said ‘Yes do you know it.’And he said he doesn’t know it.Then I looked into his eyes and song ‘You’re my world my heart my soul if you ever leave baby you’ll take away everything good in my life.’Then he sang ‘without you.’I said ‘I thought you didn’t know that somg and he said he doesn’t know the lyrics.And said that it reminds him of his best friend.(His cousin)He told me about how he died six months ago.And I asked him how did he die.And he said he had a heart attack.I asked how old was he and he said 33.I thought that was weird but,I just figure he was overweight and didn’t ask about it.He said since that happened his been depressed.He told me he was the reason why he came up here.And I acted like that was good that he did but it isn’t.He said he used to work with him before.And went on to say that now he feels like he’s alone in the world,lean on my shoulder and cried some.And all I could think was I wish that I wasn’t on my period cause I could be getting laid right now.Him leaning on me is turning me on.I had no sympathy for him.
He told me he had to leave to go get his tire changed because he got a flat tire.He said he got it coming here.And there was a screw in the street.I said ‘oh yeah I remember seeing the nails falling out of the truck.
He asked me in the kitchen for my phone number and said that he has no contact for me.H e said ‘I don’t know when it’s a good time to come over.I wouldn’t know if you just moved anything.’I said it wouldn’t matter if I did move you wouldn’t care.You obviously don’t want to be with me.And he said he wouldn’t be here if he didn’t want to be with me.
When we were at the door I told him wait I didn’t give you my number.And he said ‘For what you’re always here.’And I said yes but,you wanted my number’.I asked him when was I going to see him again.And he told me he doesn’t know but,he will be coming back.’You see I wasn’t here for three months but,I came back didn’t I.’And he said he’ll always come back.
He then said he’ll be back soon to cut grass and I said What?!No you’re not.’And he said he is and then said something funny.He told me to not come out there when he cutting grass calling his name.I busted out laughing.And said why would I do that?’He said ‘If I look out and see him don’t come running out there calling him.He’ll come here when he does.’Isaid ‘When have I ever did anything like that?’And he said that I haven’t I’ve been good about that.And he said I don’t want my coworkers bitching and complaining.And I said ‘what do care what they think?’I said that because of them being black and all.And he said ‘Exactly.’Like he was better them.And he said but,that’s annoying them doing that.I feel like he wouldn’t have to here them complain if he had come here like he wasn’t working staying forever.
He told me that he was about to quit his job.At first I thought oh no that I can’t fuck the ‘gardener’ anymore.But,then I thought well,I know it not great.It’s reality and not a good fantasy.I think I’ll probably stop seeing him now though.I think I’ve come to that point where whatever he thinks and however he reacts,I don’t care anymore.What has put me over the edge is the fact that it’s where every single time he comes over on his own he’s picking at me.Every.Single.Time.And him showing me that picture and saying that’s you competition.That was to disrespectful to let slide.I haven’t been properly fucked in so long.I’ll wait to tell him after we have sex because it not that big of a deal.What would I expect from a low class wetback?
I’ve been thinking about how Hernandez has treated and I get more upset everyday.I don’t want to wake up in the morning anymore.To face another day knowing that he doesn’t want me.Constantine didn’t want me so it makes it worst.I can’t look at people anymore.I think I wonder is he with someone who looks like her.I look in the mirror and I’m just ugly.I never dress up.I don’t wear makeup for him.I don’t want to talk to him cuddle him,date him.He could easily do so much better than me.He could met someone at any point.I can’t.
I can’t stop thinking ‘I will never marry a black woman’.With a smirk on his face.Have you ever seen a mix child’.'Yeah and they look fucked up’.And then the next time he came over.’I missed you so much’ as I laid there.Getting fucked by a man who doesn’t want me.I will never know if that’s the way he really feels about me.I believed that it is,because he said it too quickly.
I just don’t want to face my days anymore knowing that I lost my virginity to a man who hates me.He knew he felt that way before he had sex with me.When we were in the living room and he asked me ‘have you ever had sex before’.And I said no.I wish he had gotten put his clothes back on and walked out the door.He could have done that without saying another word to me and it wouldn’t hurt less.
Everyday I have to deal with the fact that I’m not good enough.From the way that I suck his dick the way that I fuck him.My appearance,my bedroom my lack of a job,the way that I can’t toss my hair.How it won’t grow long.Everything everything everything about me.I can’t do anything right.I am not right.I’ll be honest,I’ve thought about suicide before I met him but,if I had never thought about it in my life I would be now.
I just won’t to ask him where did I go wrong?
The way that he left me.I should have known he didn’t want me.’What are you going to give me for our anniversary.”My brother.’How could I not have known what that meant.He threatens to leave me all the time.I would have thought he would be the kind of person to just tell me.But,I guess to him that wouldn’t have hurt me bad enough.
I don’t know what I did to him.I just wonder is he treating everyone in his life this way since his cousin died.I have no why of knowing what he’s thinking what’s driving this.Why is it he doesn’t understand that I’m not treating him bad.So what it he doesn’t like the way that I fuck him that doesn’t mean he has to treat me that bad.
‘I missed you’ those words hurt me so bad because I don’t understand them.Why would he say that to me and just walk away from me.Then I go back to the fact that I must be too ugly.Christmas has past our anniversary has past and now January is rapidly slipping away and still no sign of him.This is what men do when they have to face being with me.I wish that I knew what I did wrong.
This week I’m going to clean the entire bedroom.I don’t know why there’s no real reason to do it but,something to do.
I’ve been crocheting my black hat.I would say that I’m about halfway finished with it.
I’ve been thinking about Hernandez a lot recently and I can’t help it,I really do hope that he’s dead.If I found that out I honestly would be happy.I wish that I didn’t have to feel that way about him.It would be easier to deal with if he had died then to be treated this way.I’ve been treated this way before and I have no idea way men treat me this way.
Today I read a lot.I’ve finally gotten to the sex part in the long road home.I keep thinking okay that’s good you’re in love now start fucking.
I’ve just read my book today.The long road home.
Yesterday I finally went to Wal-Mart.I bought the exact color of yarn that I wanted.It’s called soft navy blue.I’ve seen that color before but,I didn’t know the name of it I just knew that I wanted to braid my hair that color.I also got four balls of brown yarn.I got some Pantene ultra smoothing balm.I hope it works.And some elastic to sew with.And I got a miniture hair dryer.Which is something I should have been got.
Today I removed my braids way early I just couldn’t take it anymore.I was in so much pain.At night when I would lay on my side it would hurt my ear so bad.The pain was searing.Then I would lay on my back and the braids would hurt my neck and give me backaches when I try to move them around.And I was just in pain from them all day.
This is the only time that I’ve had them in that it’s this horrible.Although the first two months certainly wasn’t easy.I’m still going to try to do them again next month but I need a break for now.I had them in completely for just five days.It seems like it was longer.
I wish I could have keep them in because my hair is just so kinky all the time and I don’t straighten it often but,I just want to be able to get a comb through it sometimes.And if it moved it would be great.
I want my hair like this.
My hair could possibly look like that if I spent ten hours straightening it.I’ve just come to realize that I’m just not doing some of the things other people are doing with their hair.I don’t really part my hair into four sections when I relax it.There’s parts of my hair that I don’t even straighten.I just realize this in the last week.
I did straighten my hair.But,it isn’t as straight as I would like it to be.
Yesterday I went out to get some hairspray.While I was out I got some other stuff.Some sunglasses.Some clothes perfumes and mousse.Oh and I got some texture softner.I’m actually getting the texture softner to straighten my hair not to make it curly.In order to make it curly I would have to go natural and I don’t want to go through all that.I read where people were complaining about how it the hair straight.Straighter than with the relaxer so I immediately wanted to get it.
While I was at the beauty supply store I thought I heard a bus.I asked Dot was that our bus and she told me that it was probably another bus.So we went on and sat at the bus stop.It was freezing I keep telling dot that we missed the bus and she was telling me we didn’t.I felt like it was to cold to be fucking around like that sitting on the bus stop knowing that the bus already came.And her just sitting there because she was stubborn and an idiot.I felt like I was being forced to get sick.If I get a bad cold it will be her fault.I keep saying let’s just go back in a store it too cold.I begged her.The only comfort that I got was just hoping that death would come and take me.
I sat there and I thought this is ridiculous I went in Star to warm up Maxway and Jacks store.I stood in Jack’s for the longest while they talked to me and told me about everything in the store.At first I was mad I thought don’t you see I’m waiting for a bus.Then I just thought fuck that that bus has already came and went.I bought some perfume while I was there and the perfume bottle is so pretty.That was the only reason that I bought it.
While I was in there and he was telling me about the jacket and shit I was looking at one one the jackets and it wasn’t even that fucking warm and he was acting like it was.It was 24.95 I was thinking this is a rip off.
Finally when I came out of Maxway Dot saw that I was shaking and she let us go to H&R Block.She asked the something that Lisa wanted to know then she asked if we could stay in there for awhile.And he said it was fine and to have a seat in one of the chairs because we were just in the front at the time.And he said ‘This is your H&R Block’.We got a chance to finally get warm sitting there.
A little boy and his Mother came in and the boy was so cute.He was White and had blue/gray eyes.I would love to have a child that looks like that.We talked and he said that he’s 6.He was funny he asked me was I hot when I was coming across the street.(He asked that because he had just walked across the street coming there)
I’ve been organizing my photos today.I’ve done well with it.I put some more Photos on there from last year but,really as I think about it it is a waste of space I mean there’s no good photos from last year that I necessary want to keep close.And the ones that I do are already on my computer.
Today is the first day of the year.I haven’t done anything out of the ordinary today.I tried to cornrow my hair.It’s ugly I wanted to do it with the yarn so that I could save on yarn.Well, not necessary save on yarn because I have enough but,not have to unbraid a shitload of braids.It has to be braided either way it goes because I will not be cutting out huge chunks of knot balls again.It’s just not going to happen.
I like writing.On other ‘personal’ blogs you don’t get the real person.They write for show try to be interesting and only tell half the story.I know this because I’ve seen it done and have done it myself.So this is 100 percent me. I also like to do digital art of all sorts.Photo manipulation colorings retouches.I will be posting that here.Comments will always be off because I just feel there’s no need.
